I am a Widow now

Did you know that some communities in the world, when a spouse dies the whole community takes the Widow in loving arms and lets he or she Grieve for however long it takes. In these communities they know your birth song and they know your death song.

In America we are on what I call "fast track grief"   like on a treadmill, everything fast - see the body, dress the body, celebrate the body, - Now back to work!  This is how we are taught, now go pull up your boot straps and get back to it!

Some days I wish I had could just GET OFF OF THE BUS

Cancer comes to stay

When my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma July 2004 we were in no way prepared for what the next 3 years had in store for us.  Although I’m not sure “being prepared” is even possible with cancer.  Our life was thrown into a realm that was completely foreign.  Words and we had never heard of, they spoke in  percentages 30% 80%  as we sat in the small room nodding our heads.  The Doctor said “we are all adults here”  My mind screaming “ I’m not an adult! What are they talking about? This can not be happening to us!”  Chills became rigors, what the nurses called uncontrollable shaking that rocked the whole bed.  Interferon, chemo for melanoma which causes Flu like systems, which is a total joke because I have never seen a flu like that!   We became regulars in the Oncology office where beds and couches are lined up and you are hooked up intravenously…Grey becomes a color you get used to.  Nurses don’t look you in the eye.  This became our new life, Our old life became a memory.  Strength became a word you to live by.  We learned the meaning of “Living each day as if it were your last” Everything changed and we were completely powerless.

Ranch Owls

In July, 2004 the phone call that I was completely unprepared for, stage 4 Melanoma, even then thinking "oh, no big deal - just skin cancer - they can burn it off"  How wrong I was~

There we sat on the brick wall just about dusk, and the owls started their song - we walked up to the cave and there on a branch were three owls, all in a row, watching us, in that instant  both Rusty and I knew that our lives were going to change and that these owls knew our future and were singing our song~

I had been introduced to my first owl at the ranch, quite by accident, watering the baby trees and I looked up and there was the most beautiful barn owl, blinking in the day light from a nest down at me.  I was motionless and awestruck at the incredible beauty of this creature - To this day the Owls sing our song and watch over me~

Rusty's Meadow

Your ashes are here, in the meadow...

The Cabin ended up being one of our favorite places together - even though our travels took us to some spectacular places - The 100 year old cabin with family whispers and crooked ways, with tenderness and love you spent hours rehabbing, listening to the voices of old.  I shaved your face for the last time while you faced the meadow, and I sang to you "please don't take my sunshine away"

Passion!

I miss our passion together, 

I miss that you loved my body no matter what!  

You taught me how to love my body

 I miss the way we made love 

I miss how we would make up 

Oh Rusty how I miss you